Changes

6 May

A Mother’s Cry…Have I lost him…Maybe not…

A wise man here told me…”the best part of writing is not posting your story is reading it”..I didn’t quite understand it at first until I started to read other stories and Posts…Wow, some stories took me along for a ride…

You have all kinds of categories to choose from and I enjoy to see the world through your eyes…I have so much fun traveling through different parts of the world with all of you…and sailing the beautiful seas…climbing the highest mountain tops… waking up to the most amazing sunrise I have ever seen…the baking goods are so yummy, even by looking at them it feels like I can actually smell the sweets.  Thank you for the beautiful experiences and for allowing me to see the wonderful gifts life has to offer through your eyes… There is so much more to see and read… I can’t wait to do it all over again.

In my world there’s no mountain claiming unless I climb up to my to my roof and knowing myself, I’ll probably end up falling down the ladder and braking my legs…So that’s out of the question…but I do visit family and have great times with them…I love spending time with the family… I sure did missed a whole lot throughout the years…But I am glad to be in their lives now….I see what a remarkable bunch they are, I am happy to be able to share photo’s with them and see their live’s and how their beautiful children have grown, some have children of their own and they are all amazing…We are different in a lot of ways, but we love each other, that’s important, even thought sometimes we may not agree on everything we still have each others back…and will come to the rescue when the other’s in trouble…without a question~I am glad to know I can always count on them most importantly I know where to find them whenever I need them.

I have been thinking about writing this post for a while, and believe me it hasn’t been easy for me, because there’s so much I have to say…. My second book is finally finished after working on it for 3 years and will be published by next month…I wanted to write a message before the book went out an introduction or something…but instead I decided to do things differently… I’m just going with it…and what you getting is fully me as you always do… as if I was standing directly in front of you…Before my book goes public this is what I have to share…

There is a purpose for everything in life and a reason for the way people act…Individuals who don’t understand what the meaning of abuse is  or what is like to be a child witness of domestic violence,  people could be cruel with the things they say and do–and their behaviors don’t have to be accepted– everyone has a choice and that’s understanding…. maybe we make the wrong choices by electing our partners — or maybe the one’s who judge us are not educated enough to understand the cries for help.

Abuse is not something that you go out to the market and say;  Hey, can I get a pound of that and a slice of this….I didn’t ask to be abused…and neither did my kids.

I said to myself 9 years ago, that I was never going to open up any closed wounds, but situation has it, I feel the need to.

It has been a long road for us…my children and I have one only desire and that’s to be free from all the memories of our past, but unfortunate for us that has been impossible…With every breath that I take my only desire is to stop the abuse and making a change in the world…I know that’s an impossible task…but it doesn’t hurt to try.

I believed that once it was over for me that was it…No more, I’m done…but who was I kidding, it doesn’t end there…the memories and the pain follows you through your children…Yes, maybe I healed, Yes, perhaps my scars are there and they serve me as a reminder no to allow anyone else to get that close to me again or make the same mistake twice…We learn from the mistakes, we try never to go back to the cycle, we don’t forget to remember the rules…but there are more important things…the children.

The effects of domestic violence on children faces numerous risks and sometimes we don’t realize until later in their older days…these risks are all connected to the exposure of the traumatic events they experienced and they can all lead to negative outcomes for children and young adults… it clearly have an impact on them, believe me…I speak for experience…

Here comes the start of every sleepless night, here comes the pain…what I had to face then and what I’m facing now…

My daughter was used as a pawn by her father~ she had to watch him abuse me almost everyday…what happens behind closed doors nobody knows unless you tell…he manipulated her by giving her money, advising her not to tell a soul…she was physically injured numerous of times because she will try to defend me… In efforts to stop my partner I made several attempts to leave him… it was hard to run away from him, he always knew where to find me…I had no where to run…He always said I had no family…He had managed to take them all away…the only family I knew was his…I was afraid to turn to them because his words were; “Blood is thicker than water, they will never take your side” I will always win.

As the years past I stood in the relationship hoping I can change something…But things got more complicated, my daughter got older now she has a brother….both kids are now exposed to the abuse…I really was hoping he would change but he became even more abusive…It was like power to him…I didn’t seem to understand why if he loved us he treated us this way…I was trapped…then suddenly, I hear him telling the children that they had to keep the “family secret” from everyone…what happens at home stays at home or else… That became a problem…

How do you say this to your kids?  My partner worked for Social Services at one point…He was a Case Management Tech…He knew that what he was doing to us was against the rules…yet he didn’t care… Was that fair to us?….That’s right… My perpetrator did the nine yards…he walked the walk and talked the talk…back in the day…. He knew the rules and he broke them…Did I have a reason to be afraid of him…Yes, he was a smart man…I was trapped…

He threaten me with the case workers he knew, the people in the field, the court and some other agencies…If I left him, it was my funeral..he love to make threats….I was naive I believed anything he said… his threats didn’t help him in the end…however they have affected the life’s of the ones I love…My kids…

My Book “I am a Survivor” tells you that part of my life…and how I got out…This Post is different…I am reaching out to the world to the parents of abuse…to the children…to the families…and friends…there’s so many stories that remain untold…so many voices that have yet not been heard…and so many secrets that need to come to surface.

~ In 7 grade something change with my daughter during her visits with her father….Court hearings and the mandatory visitations were a nightmare not to mention ridiculous…the visits were held late nights during school days, it was affecting the children’s academics responsibilities.    My daughter refused to get up in the morning making it so hard for me to get the little one to school on time,  my son was falling a sleep in class and the teacher was complaining…which became an issue…

In the process of all this mayhem….My daughter snapped….attempting to take her life away….

I felt my life flashing right before my eyes…my world had stopped…I couldn’t get the bathroom door opened and knowing she was hurt made matters worse sending me into a state of shock… (I wrote about this on my 2nd book)

There’s a place in the heart of every single young teenager who walked down the road my daughter has been.  We as parent’s need to pay a little more attention and…Be The Guardians…Be The Protectors…Be The Mother and The Father they need, instead of trying to be their friends believe me there will be plenty of time for that.

There’s a place in their heart  that nobody had the chance to enter yet…you want to be the first one there…If you love them, those 3 things should always be your first priority…they’ll take you there… there will be secrets that not even their friends know…and you will be the one they will tell first…Show them that you are interested in hearing all about their day, you want to hear it all…they’ll show interest in your day…before you know it… they wont leave anything out…you’ll have a relationship with your child and they’ll have one with you.

I want you all to know that the days for me don’t come easy and have not been easy raising my kids alone…but I have to say… We are holding on…

I believe that our love is what makes us  stronger and I want to grow grey around them…I want to be there for them, sharing everything with them even if we are a thousand miles away…I love to know that one day I will rest in peace knowing that they will be OK…We left one day the new world we had created and started a other somewhere else and if I have to pick and do it all over again for them I will do it again and again because I will stand by them and fight their fight until there’s no more strengths left in me.

I’ve remain strong everyday and for the past 9 years I have been drying my son’s eyes and wishing that every tear that falls from his eyes were from happiness…I’ve been holding him tight and assuring him that everything will be just fine…letting him know that it’s not his fault and he needs to understand that he is not alone…and at one point he would kiss me goodnight…until suddenly it stopped.  I have not lost him, he still here…Just growing up…He is 13 shy 14 this coming June..

I was advised he was changing, and this is what a normal teenage boy does…He no longer holds your hand~he will no longer allow you to kiss him in front of his friends and other things..OK, point taken..he is not a little boy anymore, he still hugs me and kisses me in private…and tell’s me how beautiful I am to him, But…

As a mother it hurts when you no longer have that connection…when that sudden change takes you by surprise.

I do miss the Mother’s day cards with the hand prints on them (those were my favorite, priceless)The written poems… the science experiment plants on the plastic cups…I miss the cup-cake sales…taking him to the Dojo with his sister and watching them warming up as they were getting ready for class, he loved his Karate…I enjoyed watching him running around in the park being silly and getting dirty from head to toe….I miss every moment he spend me…I even miss his finger prints all over the refrigerator door and his name written all over my papers…his clothes behind the bathroom door and asking him to pick up after himself…I also miss having a conversation with him about any silly thing or hearing a joke…even if it made no sense at all.

Every moment in the live of our children is very important…we need to grasp those moments and not miss a thing…because before you know it those days will be gone and you will be left asking yourself where did time go.

I in the other hand I still have a whole lot of work ahead of me I want to change the world one heart beat at the time…with the Glory of God of course…

I will not sit here dwelling in the past because misery loves company and there is only one way to fix my issues…My son said to me last night that the best part of being me was…knowing that people would miss me when I’m gone…I asked him what does that mean? he said…If you ever leave me I will stop breathing…I remember everything as if it was just yesterday and your voice is all I hear to give me reason to keep going…

That was enough for me to know I have not lost my son…He is still here…and he is still grounded…Just another teenager going through the changes….Still I am holding my ground… It takes a lot to know what is love…it’s not the big things but the little things we do as parents… and he should know I will always be there for him, pushing him and guiding him to succeed because I only want was best for him just like I do for his sister…I have showed him everything there is to show him and there is so much more for him to learn…He acknowledged that I have always been there for him and as a parent that makes me feel good…hearing him telling me so.

It was a 15 year old girl who opened my eyes to see what was happening in my home…She gave me something back before it was too late…This remarkable young lady is the example of what every young girl should be…She is my Niece…God has been so good blessing me with a family that has been supportive and when we reached for them they were there with arms wide open…. I want to thank them for all they have done and hope that one day we can show them that no mountain is to high for us to climb we did it…My niece has showed my son in only a matter of weeks how to love and care for another life besides his own….There is still a lot more work left to be done…and time has began taking it’s course…the rest is up to God.

For now thank you all for allowing me to share this story with you.. I will keep you posted on the changes if there are any…I’m sure there will be a few in the next couple of weeks..But…

In the meantime….Parent’s  there is no other love more greater than the love of your children….take their weakness and make them stronger….And when they need you be there for them, be their shoulder when they cry and their shelter through the storm…Because one day they will say Good bye and you will cry, it makes no difference who you are…believe me it will break your heart to see them go…

Until next time,

Jeannette Moreno

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